Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
