just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
