i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
