Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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