I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
