Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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