Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
