i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't put those talents on a resume
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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