just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
