not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
