Im at strip club and am horny
i already hear my dad disowning me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
