I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
