You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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