2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
