I wanna passion pit in your ass
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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