I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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