im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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