I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
