we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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