mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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