I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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