I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
