I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
