I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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