Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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