i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
