I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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