Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can't turn off my feet"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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