just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
