dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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