i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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