no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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