So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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