Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
false alarm, still single
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
