my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
