I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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