We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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