you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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