it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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