the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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