I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
