I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
