perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I look better un-naked...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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