Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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