I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
