There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
