I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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