My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
