He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
