Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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