Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
